Monday, June 3, 2013

In a state of Sarcastic bliss

I would like to approach a delicate very controversial topic.

The Great Emu war of 1932.

No really it happened, quit laughing, this is a serious issue damnit.

In Australia after World War I. They offered land to service men in areas that needed to be developed for farming.. These service men moved into harsh areas, with poor farming and then were abruptly attacked by rampaging Emu.

Yes, Emu!

Rampaging flightless birds eating all of their crops destroying their hard work and time, and opening gaps in the very important Rabbit fence.

What do you do?

Well what any flightless bird fearing soldiers do, you ask for a machine guns.

The government concerned of letting civilians  have the Lewis Automatic Machine Gun. They sent a military force to accompany them.

If you want to know more you should really invest some time and read about this conflict. The Emu won.

Now we have brought them and are raising them.

They are biding their time till the rabbits give them the queue to enslave us like the Australians.

The Australian's hide their masters well but if you know their history you know who actually run their country. The merciless campaign of subjugation and enslavement of human populations by the Rabbits and Emu, are only beginning here in the US. Just wait one day we too will be disguising our masters to wait for them conquer other unsuspecting countries.

Just remember I told you so.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Weekly Therapy, also greeting cards for your grad.

It is Friday, I know, Captain Obvious right. Well in case it surprised you, it is Friday. I didn't have a bad day, or a bad week. Got a lot of actual paying work done and some work done on some not so paying yet projects. Its important to do some work you enjoy, well I have to say all these good productive days, well they were just horrible. 

I smiled and I think I pulled something at the same time. Can smiling pinch nerves in your neck? I think so. It took a couple of days to work that kink out. 

Honestly I have nothing to complain about except for the complete lack of anything to complain about. It is really hard to write without topics. Well I think I will address some other issues. Its Friday and with Monday being Memorial Day I will post a couple of greeting cards today to make up for the void in activity.


You have completed 2-8 years of education.
Spent thousands of dollars you had to borrow.
For a Piece of Paper that says you know something.
All I got you was this card. 

 Tips for graduating...

1: There is no more Summer Break
2: Everything else is useless compared to rule #1

Monday, May 27, 2013

Taking a few minutes

Today my wife and I took our kids to one of the traveling Vietnam walls. Before we took the kids out there, we tried to impart a little history. We are vets, our family has many veterans, police officers, fire fighters, EMT's, and teachers. It has inspired my own civil service, and makes me appreciate the people around me. I may come off angry, annoyed and sometimes even hateful. At times, I am all of those and more. It is a part of life. It happens. I take my stress out here, "using my words", as my mother calls it. 

This day I celebrate our heroes, and the freedoms they have protected so I can come to this website and rant. I had the opportunity to "earn" an education. I can start a business selling evil greeting cards. I can practice my belief system. For these rights to be protected, and for them to endure, we must take time to pay homage to the people who have gone before us to ensure these rights continue.

So, take this time with me and give thanks, to the teachers who do not get paid near enough, the firefighters, EMT's, and police officers who often find us on the worst day of our lives and have sworn to protect us, and the volunteer military, Marines, Navy, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard and National Guard.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Preparing for the End or maybe the next bridge or tornadoes.

In a conversation with a friend about his new Cross Fit program, we wandered onto the idea of making a program called Z-fit, or Training for the Zombie apocalypse. I did some ogling around the net, and it appears I am not all that original. It has already been attempted multiple times. 

A current program is being taught by the people at the following link:

However, I was thinking, as with any horror thriller, the action is always accompanied by music.

So, you add in some spin bikes, push ups, and zombie killing themed exercises (cardio boxing?), with a fast paced and fun work out mixed with thrilling music to add to the atmosphere, you have a work out I might actually do. Plus, you're getting prepared for the Zombies to walk.

I should work up something and post it here, along with building some unlicensed tracks for the horror.

We will see what comes from it.

Monday, May 20, 2013

He is the most Sarcastic Man in the world.

One of his snide remarks once brought peace to the  Middle East, for 22 minutes, before all sides of the argument plotted to kill him.

His conversations come with warning labels.

He is the most sarcastic man in the world.

He has inside jokes with complete strangers, about other strangers.

He has proven in a court of law that his tongue is mightier than the sword, the pen, and weapons of mass destruction.

He is the most sarcastic man in the world.

I don't always give compliments, but when I do, I still don't.

Stay cynical you bastards.

And now Mondays Greeting card:


If I were to list all of the traits I like about you.



Friday, May 17, 2013

Greeting card Friday

No rants this Friday, so I figured I would blast out some "Evil Greeting Cards". Enjoy the hate.


When I look into your eyes......


I see why some animals eat their young.


Your Mom called today.


She blew the inheritance on Cocaine and strippers.
Also, you have a new dad. I think his name is Poppi. 


Happy Valentines Day


I have been told that by giving you this card, flowers, and that cheap ass box of candy,
you are obligated to have sex with me.
No hurry, you can cook me dinner first.


Distance makes the heart grow fonder.


To test this theory, I am taking a mission to Mars, the farthest place in our galaxy from you. 


I have a degree in Massage Therapy.


Just so I could rub you the wrong way. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

You might be an ass hat.

If the last time someone said you look nice, you and your date answered, "Thank you"........

You might be an ass hat.

If the last story you told included the statement, "I can't believe I made it home that drunk. I should be dead.".......

You might be an ass hat.

If you accelerate to keep the person from merging in front of you.......

You might be an ass hat.

If you have ever seen some who needed help and didn't help them.......

You might be an ass hat.

If you think your car can get you laid.......

You might be an ass hat.

If you have a name for any body part.......

You might be an ass hat.

This has been a Public Sarcasm Announcement.