I watched The Human Centipede last night.
Not because I enjoy creepy neurotic films about peoples faces being sewn together with.....well, you don’t want to know. However, I found it more joyous and upbringing than some of the current offerings of holiday splendor that are being brought to us (dipped in sugar with whipped cream topping) for this years Christmas Joy-or-gie.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the holidays, starting with Halloween, and finishing off with New Years. It’s just a fantastic 90 days of judgement-free over indulgence and unabashed capitalism. But I fear they may be going to far. A few nights ago, with my Holiday spirit in full force, I was enjoying some classic, re-tuned, high def Christmas Specials when I was forced to endure a train wreck. Not the fun, slow down, pay attention, ogle the gore kind of train wreck we all know and love either. It seems that the Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice company got their multi-media guru’s together and made a Christmas special, featuring some snaggle toothed creepy old guy trashing another creepy, but bearded old guys house all in an argument over a frozen bog...or pond.... something like that. Not once did it re-enforce good will or anything useful for human to human contact. We learned that if you don’t allow the skinny mean child to ice skate with you he will turn into a psychotic snaggle toothed creepy old dude who likes to slide down hills to attack unsuspecting children who are playing on his bog/pond thingie. And mean skinny kids future behavior will be completely your fault. So for the love of all things holy, skate with the little bastard already! Not feeling the holiday cheer, folks.
This was merely the cranberry atop the holly jolly crap sundae. You see, for Thanksgiving we had family visiting for an extended period of time, 3 weeks in fact, to help prepare the food and get everything ready for Turkey Day. Yes, I am also confused as to the exact reason we needed the entire 3 weeks to prepare for one fricken’ day. They could’ve come on Monday, and left on Friday. 5 days is plenty of time to drive me to commit aggravated murder. As I learned later on, 5 days is not enough to time to ruin my carefully honed surly attitude. No, that takes a bit more time. And they brought with them an arsenal I never saw coming. They watched Hallmark Christmas Specials EVERY NIGHT AND MOST OF EACH DAY!! I was so happy I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to run around exclaiming my undying love for everyone. I almost kissed the old guy ringing the bell in front of WalMart. Hallmark has an awesome writing staff. They start each program with dramatic, yet calming, music. The first thing you see is trees blowing in the wind, or children making snowmen. Each time a show begins we are forced to wait with baited breath until they finally display the title before we can figure out what the story is going to be about. There must be subliminal messages in the intro music, because by the time the title is finally shown, we are totally sucked in, totally emotionally invested, no matter what kind of drivel they will inevitably be spouting. It’s like receiving a life time supply of stale candy canes. At first you just can’t believe how lucky you are, but you are left with nothing more than a bitter taste in your mouth, and emotional diabetes. So, to make sure I don’t go on a joyous spree of Christmas liberation, I decided to balance the happiness ruining my tude with an hour and half of a mad scientist sewing people together to create a disgusting slithering crawly thing. Thank you Tom Six for creating the cure for Holiday Glee sickness. Listen, I would tell you more about it but you really have to look at this one on your own. My suggestion is take in 3 weeks of Hallmark specials. That way you fully understand the importance of sewing people together on film, and how the release of such films can help millions.
Tonight, I will be watching the cult classic Midnight meat train to wash down the sweet taste of whatever ABC Family will be shoving down our throats this week. If you enjoyed it as much as I do, pay homage to the psychopaths and phantasmal visages as well.
So go ahead, watch your heart swelling, teeth rotting happy holiday specials. Let them fill you with the warmth of fresh gingerbread and the tingle of homemade peppermint patties. Allow yourself to feel all cheerful and full of love. Even hug a few people if you must. But for crying out loud, don’t let it go on for too long. Take a shower, brush your teeth, drink a beer, eat some greasy food, scratch a couple of inappropriate areas, and tell the carolers where to shove their Jingle Bells. Follow-up as soon as possible with your favorite horror flick.
Even ice cream is better with a few nuts.