Monday, December 13, 2010

No researchers were harmed in the writing of this blog...

I hope you all enjoyed the Sunday blog by my sister. Hopefully none of you were set on fire or emotionally scarred. If you are, honestly, we just don’t care. “Suck it up Buttercup, slap on a new tampon and roll with it.”

Mondays will be product review day or consumer beware day. It’s up to you how it’s perceived. If you’re easily offended or have a weak sense of humor, close this window now. If you can take a joke for what it is, nice to have you! Come on back now, ya here!

I am a bit of tree hugger. I believe in water and power conservation, alternative energy and recycling. Lots and lots of recycling. I think everything could be recycled: water, building supplies, paper, plastic, aluminum, and people. However, I think there are a few things that are not recycled nearly enough. Like sex dolls, old hair ties, mismatched socks, dryer lint, helium balloons, and elderly cats (or dogs), for example. (Oh, gimme a break. How is recycling pets so much worse than recycling people? Lighten’ up already! It’s up to all of us to clean up this planet, after all! Notice how recycling sex dolls suddenly doesn’t seem like that big a deal? HA! Eeeevil.)

However, the career ambitions of the ever popular Ms. Box-In-A-Box has recently changed, and I can’t say enough about the newly re-purposed latex whore parts. You see, they finally came up with a perfect re-use for these open mouth, insert tab “A” adult toys; Sing-A-Ma-Jigs.

The “O” faced little singing animals are the perfect option for the parent who wants to set their child’s hopes as low as possible. Why have them looking for Barbie when they can settle for re-fabricated love dolls? (I’m sure they were sterilized first). When you squeeze these lovable little animals they “sing” in their own distinctive octave, emitting a high pitched tone, or some other portion of electronic noise, that's supposed to simulate a song. Squeeze its hand, and it changes the way it works, to make it almost talk. Put several of them together, and they will harmonize with one another. What could be better than annoying electronic screeching in stereo?! To ensure your child's safety and discourage them from trying to test drive the little things before they’ve even reached puberty, the manufacturer has conveniently included teeth.

Look at that face. How could you not love something that mimics talking or screaming in agony when you crush its cute little abdomen? All children should learn this valuable lesson: It’s OK to crush things smaller and weaker than you, especially if they make cute screaming noises when you apply pressure to their soft spots.

The parents of America should unite, and start a revolution! If we all start teaching this lesson (which was innovated and continues to be re-enforced by the Pillsbury Dough Boy) to our children early on in their development, early enough to really make an impact, we should have a population just chock full of nuts (were going to need more ice cream) in about 14 years. But hey, its not these creepy toys we force them to squeeze and crush. Its gotta be TV because god knows Hallmark and Lifetime force-feed murderous thoughts, not to mention those violent video games. It couldn't possibly be that human nature is prone to over think things to the point where we believe that even blocks have to be interactive. How is stacking blocks into cool buildings, and then knocking them down again, somehow not interactive to begin with? Is it possible to make them MORE interactive? Were we missing out on some part of the blocks we had as kids (which are, by the way, the same damn blocks our kids have now) that made them less effective as a tool to enhance motor skills? Or is it possible that with a few new pretty colors, large font words, maybe some sparkles and sound effects, the toy companies are just selling cosmetically enhanced versions of the same toys from years gone by? Maybe those same companies should look to the past, to the ideas that worked. Stop making toys that freak out the kids of that generation. Not sure if you noticed, but we’re the parents of THIS generation. We miss our Linkin-Logs, our Pick-Up-Sticks, and our Light-Brights!

Remember even the simple things are fun. Go ahead, though. Over think it. Buy them that eight hundred dollar super toy. They’ll find that the box is more fun anyway. Technology is making you stupid, keep reading my blog while you surf the Internet and we’ll learn how to be smart with technology together, or just get dimmer together.

(P.S. none of the information above about the ingredients used to make this product are true. This is a satirical blog and we in no way did any “actual” research into the manufacturing of these toys, but they certainly look like little stuffed blow up dolls with teeth.)

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