Thursday, December 16, 2010

Driving or "Top 5 ways I know we are complete tools"

The peaceful lull of the road, the vast openness, the interconnecting expanse connecting everyone to everything; the quintessential veins of America. Is there anything truly as majestic as the open road? It’s serene nature filling my heart with.........

What the fuck man!!??? Really??? Really guy??? How in the hell did you get a license!!???

Haven’t we all been there? Just when we start taking the system for granted it comes back and rears it’s ugly head and shoves humanity’s lack of social skills right in our face. I, of course, am talking about driving or better yet OTHER DRIVERS.

We all know we can drive. We’re the best at what we do, and what we do is drive. We were born to do this. It’s everyone else that can’t drive. I was raised on driving in snow, it’s easy. I’m a natural at driving fast. I got this.

Apparently not.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, we have been living a lie. The worst lie of all: the one you tell yourself. We can’t drive. We are horrible drivers. We are small squishy pink meat-bags sitting between 2,000 pounds of “Oh-no-he-didn’t”. Oh yes, he did.

Now individually, we might be the Mario Andretti’s of the motorized world. We can handle 16 inches of snow, pelting sleet, torrential downpours and winds in excess of 87 knots. But suck. It’s like we all take this massive brain dump when we merge into traffic. We forget everything our father’s (or drunken grandfathers) taught us about 10 and 2, polite street manners and passing on the right-hand side and replace it with....”Must break land-speed record, must not let asshole pass me”.

It is to this effect that I present to you the top 5 reasons we; the collective driving world, are complete tools.

5. Lanes merge...we don’t. You see it every day. That douche-bag who rides out the last 17 miles of road that he drives EVERYDAY and knows damn well ends in a merge. 60% of the cars got over and are patiently awaiting traffic to die down so they can get to little Timmy and that roast duck. But not this guy. He’s got it all planned out. He’ll just slide in there and take that 2 foot gap between the patient cars. He’ll save LOADS of time. He’s a douche and guess are we. What do we do to Mr. Impatient....we put our asses bumper-to-bumper...that will show em. Get in front of me now asshole.

4. Get out of my way, I’m a terribly important man on a terribly important, critical mission from God. I’m going to go 175 in a 55. I’m going to swerve in and out of traffic like they were parked cars in a game of Frogger. I’m going to get about 2 millimeters from your Garfield suction cup window ornament and you’re not going to do a damn thing about it. Why? Because I’m important. I’m in a hurry and you’re shit out of luck. Or are we? Because I know the secret to infuriating you: Mr. Importante` Mr. Brake Pedal. Oh yeah. Here’s to you cruising past me now. Stuck between Garfield on one side and Grandma on the other. You’re screwed now. Good luck getting that organ to the hospital on time now, loser.

3. Well, he’s speeding, so I might as well. The “screener”, the “guinea pig”, the “guy-more-likely-to-get-a-ticket-than-you”; whatever you want to call it. For some reason it seems perfectly logical to get behind Mr. Get-out-of-my-way and cruise on in the home plate. After all, he’s doing all the leg work, you’re just riding on his coattails. Nevermind that the logic makes no sense and that most cops tag the person BEHIND the person speeding. That just makes too much sense.

2. Stop signs really are optional if you stop and think about it...good thing I didn’t. Stop signs, yield signs, (slow) children at play name it, chances are you’ve ignored one in the last 24 hours. It’s ok, we all suck...not just you. We all KNOW they’re important. We all KNOW they serve a purpose and a reason for existing...we just don’t care. Why should we, the last 137 people rolling through them didn’t? What was that rule about the person to the right of the 4-way stop sign....oh, I remember, the person to the right doesn’t have to stop, right?

And the number one reason:

1. Gimmie a break, Gimmie a break, break me off a piece of in front of me.....just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? You’re driving on the Interstate (insert random odd and or even numbers here), going breakneck speed, observing all of the wonderful items from steps 5 through 2 when suddenly, that jerk in the fast lane decides to perform the “Brake of Death” and slow you down (what an asshole, right?). He brakes, you brake, the person behind you brakes, Jimmy Joe Sue behind that person brakes, Billy Bob, yup..he brakes too. But Curly Jimbo...he can’t brake. He can’t break because he’s already at a complete stop on the interstate. He can’t brake because the other 12,000 motorists in front of him had to brake. Each one slowing down a little more until they get to Curly. Yup...that’s how traffic jams happen. Yup...that’s how organs don’t get delivered to orphans. Yup, that’s why we all suck at driving. Because you had to be a dick and slow me down when I wanted to drive fast in the fast lane.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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