Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Important topics...

I have a couple of very important topics to discuss with you today. First and by far the most important: WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?!?!

Facebook has a Causes application. The idea is a wonderful interfacing of social media, and may even be changing the world through the interwebs. I mean, come on. Dedicating a whole 90 milliseconds out of your busy day to push a “like” button more times then a California Valley Girl can, like, say “like”. That has gotta say something for your overall resolve and belief in the cause. You’re hardcore... really, I mean it.

However, this potentially life altering feature has been abused recently; these charlatans putting on a guise of concern.... I actually believe these people are more excited about receiving the most “Likes”, more than they are for the actual causes the applications are supposed to be used for, if the application can really be called a Cause. Seriously, who doesn’t want a consistent flow of free Farmville bucks coming in at each and every level, if only you click the Like button? That's important..... right? I mean, these applications seem counterproductive, (not that the game isn’t as well, but we’re not judging here) wastes of space that demand the companies who developed the game (who allow you to play for free, forever, nor do they charge fees should you decide to purchase “cash”) change the way the game works so that these companies do not make any money at all. Obviously these fakers do not understand the time and effort that goes into building a product, and constantly keeping it updated and interesting to the players, FOR FREE. I mean they don’t need the money you saps will spend on it anyway, right? Their time and energy to make this game one of the most popular on the internet doesn’t need to be compensated. Give me a break, you will spend the money, you will buy the cash, and they will be compensated, so that you can be better than the rest of your Internet acquaintances, who are the same people you share your deepest, darkest, “my dog pooped on the floor” status posts with. If we were all to put our foot down, and stop being so blatantly greedy, all of these Imitation (half the calories, all the flavor) Causes would be shut down, and REAL e-commerce could commence as the good lord intended it.

Just suck it up, play the game like every one else and be happy, so that real causes can be posted, such as “Why are there no mirrors in the “Self Check-Out Line”? (Notice the well played transition here, Bob? I think he’s using a segue, Steve.This could get ugly. Stay tuned for the next episode of Sarcasm Writes, where our pain creates giggles.)

We have been lied to, America (and other countries that have been involuntarily invaded by Rollback prices). Walmart, and all other stores that use these monstrosities to speed up their check-out process, limit the number of employees, and frankly separate human interaction, replaced by yet another machine. They are frauds. The entire title is misrepresentation. “SELF” Check-Out Line. The name itself suggests that I will be able to look at myself while patiently waiting for others to do the same. Who gives a crap about milk and dog food.

But, no. No mirrors, only some brushed stainless steel with kitty litter and chicken blood on it, and smudged, possibly toxic, plate glass with lasers behind it. LASERS, can you fricking believe it?! The only decently reflective surface on those machines (I can just almost barely sort of see myself in it), and they put lasers behind it. My retina’s are burned to hell! All I wanted to do was publicly bask in the glory of my own actor hair, and they shoot lasers into my eyes!

This has got to stop! As self-elected President of the Organization of People and Hair for the Mandatory Placement of Mirrors and Removal of Laser At Self Check-Out Lines Every Where (OPHMPMRL@SCOLEW) I submit that on (insert date here), everyone who reads this blog (Thank you Mom and Dr. Steirn, my therapist), will go to your local supermarket and place mirrors at the self check out line. Stand within view of the other shoppers. Hold up your mirror, let people bask... in the glory of you looking at yourself. It’s your mirror, screw them. If they want to look at themselves they should have brought their own. After you’re done, and you might want to give yourself a couple of hours, you can pick-up a $10 Farmville Cash gift card, conveniently located right there by the Self Check-Out Lines. Two birds, one stone. Or mirror.

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